Devon our international man of mystery spent some time with the law… by ‘the law’ we mean Jaundice Cop from Melbourne’s Wet Pensioner. Now prepare yourselves for the Plague!!!
My home town had a police force that was mostly made up of incompetents and dickheads. I lived outside the town border, and would sometimes get followed to my house by the cops, who would then circle around the block hoping I would leave and return to their jurisdiction. This was an issue for the police just in my small county, so I have no idea how a time drifter from the future could not run into a shitload of boundary red tape while offering his serve and protection. To not discuss this at all, I caught up with Jaundice Cop of Wet Pensioner.
Me: Thanks for taking the time to talk to Ragged Press. Firstly, would you prefer Jaundice or Mr Cop?
Jaundice Cop: Well I’m off duty right now, so you can call me (inaudible screeching noise)…
Me: Uh…okay. Now, The Plague that you’ve come to stop happened in 2012. Are you already too late, or are you from an alternate timeline? Or has it just started but it’s not too late to prevent the worst of its effects?
JC: Plague is everywhere!! We keep drifting from one timeline to the next, searching for a better world, but it’s no use…. Reality Kitchen Challenge? Who’s Got Talent? Pipi and Kevo in the morning? U2? Society is doomed.
Me: So you’ve given up?
JC: We’re just tryin’ buy you guys some more time. Thankfully in this alternate reality there’s still enough nitrous to keep the infected at bay.
Me: On behalf of humanity, I thank you for your efforts. The Plague turns people into “jaundice creeps,” but then turns them to vapour, and you seem to personally inhale a lot of vapour. So, you’re a cannibal once people hit the gaseous form?
JC: I’m a “Stage 3” which means I’m more vapour than human (but still 100% cop). There aren’t many survivors of Stage 3, so I’m not sure how long I’ll be here for. Dr Caveman has been working on a vaccine since 2000 BC, but he keeps spilling it at the last minute.
Me: Do you dwell underground?
JC: I used to, but I got sick of all the rap battles!!!! Everyone wanted a piece of me. It got to the point where I had no one left to battle… it was pathetic! Nowadays I mainly dwell behind KFC and train with the seagulls.
Me: So, you’re cannibalistic when people turn to vapour, which is practically what you are. You’re humanoid, for the moment. You used to dwell underground. Is your real name Bud?
JC: Nah, I wish! I never even made it to college.
Me: I’m still pretty convinced you’re Bud the C.H.U.D. You have a song about the injustice of not being able to get chicken nuggets at a certain time. In your world has society overcome time related menu fascism?
JC: My world is something of a blur from all the time drifting…. however, one thing I AM certain of is that in the near future chicken nuggets will be a sought after commodity…. more important than oxygen, or even Crack! The government could never stand a fighting chance against an army of nugget craving, Crack fuelled lunatics. In fact that brave woman from the song that was at the nugget window that day sparked a goddamn revolution! Sorry to get so worked up. I just get a little excited and jumpy when I talk about it.
Me: If you’re a cop travelling through time, how do you fill your ticket quota?
JC: Where I come from we don’t write tickets, we cash cheques and break wind. I’m from the future. Where if you’re not a cop, then you’re the perpetrator.
Me: Are you a god?
JC: I’ve been advised to steer clear of any questions about gods, robot whores, and both past and future 9/11s.
Me: But in “High Score” it says if someone asks if you’re a god you say “Yes!” Not you say you’ve been advised to steer clear of the question. Do you not have to follow Wet Pensioner’s own rules?
JC: Shwartz Veinkman, our drummer from a previous reality, was a video game champion, an entity that became bigger than god. He was pissed on by a tiger when he was a child and gained infinite powers beyond our comprehension. Being a god comes at a tall price; you don’t just “get good” at Galaga without sacrificing a few of your loved ones in a pit of burning hot Fanta. Basically, I’ve seen some heavy, heavy shit that lies ahead, and I’m just tryin’ to stop the inevitable. I wouldn’t say we are bound by rules in Wet Pensioner, but we do get assignments given to us by C.A.R.L. the super computer. He’s our mentor, our guru.
Me: According to your bio on Serpent 54 the only keeping you from turning to vapour is your “ability to violently thrash.” Is that why you strum so fucking fast?
JC: High speeds are vital, as are the sporatic outbursts of rage. There’s also something known as “the big drive” which I can’t say too much about. I can say that we haven’t even unleashed a fraction of its powers yet. In 300 years from now, Wet Pensioner turn out to be the biggest band in this galaxy, however, our arch enemies the Piss Eating Zombies have other plans for us. They stole our time machine and, to cut a long DeLorean-eque story short, we’re back here to stop the big drive from falling into the hands of these slime bags. Anyways…in answer to your question…yeah, that’s why we strum so fucking fast.
Me: Jean-Claude Van Damme did a movie about a time travelling cop, I forget the name, sorry. What did the movie get wrong about your chosen career path?
JC: It’s actually pretty accurate, if you throw in some Spaceballs and a little pinch of Cheech and Chong.
Me: Which part of Spaceballs? The Asshole part?
Me: Why is your code name “Wet Pensioner?” I’m hoping it’s not a code name like from Eye of the Needle, where the name relates to what you do. Or if it does you make pensioners wet by spraying them with liquid, and not arousing them.
JC: Codename was given to us by C.A.R.L. the super computer, guardian of the “Big Drive”. You’re gonna find out more about him soon enough. Keep your eyes peeled, your chargers gassed, and your ears to the streets.
Me: The film clip for “Double Doctor” has footage The Blues Brothers. The Brothers weren’t very respectful of the police force in that movie. As part of the thin blue line yourself, why would you want to pay tribute to that film?
JC: Hang on a minute, pal, let me set the story straight. OK, a few decades ago (in your time) me and the fellas were havin’ a bit of a time drift, partying, taking the squad car for a spin, and we wind up in this big car chase with half of the local precinct in tow. Somewhere along the line we ended up selling a bunch of space coke to this dude named John Belushi; let me just say that guy knew how to have a good time! So anyway, I knew I had the chief to answer to when I got back to the present, and he wouldn’t be amused, so I asked Belushi to do me a solid, and he offered to use the footage for some small movie he was working on at the time. That way we could pass off the footage as a staged movie scene, and I wouldn’t have to deal with a media shit storm back at home. He figured no one would actually watch the movie anyway so it was the perfect decoy. What a great dude. R.I.P.
Me: Strange, I never noticed you while watching the film itself. I’ll keep my eyes peeled next time. Your brother is named 2000? Was he more a fan of Blues Brothers 2000? Was it an affinity for inferior sequels that made him more susceptible to the effects of The Plague?
JC: These questions are strangely familiar. Is it possible that you have already done this interview many years from now?
Me: You think I’m a time drifter, too?
JC: I’ve got my suspicions. It explains why you’re often in the front row absorbing The Thrash. Cleansing yourself of Plague.
Me: Nah, I come down front to let you know that I’m Nic Cage. You’re trying to save the world, or at least buy us more time. How does performing on stage help?
JC: How does it HELP? Are you fucking serious, earthling? Without us blasting these punk misfits regularly with hot heavy blasts of thrash, they would turn suddenly into Jaundice Creeps, and then into vapour.
Me: So are Wet Pensioner a real life Wyld Stallyns?
JC: Wyld Stallyns? What the fuck, man? Those posers wish they could party like we do! I’m getting bored with this interview! Hand over some crack right now, or experience firsthand the effects of my molecular wave cannon.
Me: Anything else you’d like to add?